Story Time With Dean
by lindsayd16
Summary: "I loved Cas. Most importantly, I loved him until the day he died. I guess that's how I ended up in this sleazy motel room with a bottle of jack in my hand. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let me tell you our story. Let me tell you everything." Not knowing how to cope with Castiel's death, Dean decides to write it all down. Rated T for language. Destiel. Wow, I suck at summaries.


**Hi! Thanks for clicking on my story. I'm basically creating Dean's diary. If it seems this chapter jumps around a lot and leaves a lot of gaps, they will be answered and filled in if this ends up being multiple chapters. But that all depends on you guys! Anyways, I hope you enjoy and please be sure to leave some feedback so I know what you thought!**

**CHAPTER ONE: The Beginning**

I loved Cas.

I loved him when I first met him, although I only recently admitted it about three years ago.

I loved him when he lied to me about working with Crowley.

I loved him when he let a bunch of Leviathans take him over.

Hell, I even loved him when he beat the shit out of me in that crypt.

But most importantly, I loved him until the day he died.

I guess that's how I ended up in this sleazy motel room with a bottle of jack in my hand and my favorite 9mm lying within reach, safety off, on the table I sat at.

But I'm getting a little ahead myself.

Let me tell you our story.

Let me tell you everything.

….

"Cas?" I called, black socked feet padding along the Bunker's hardwood floors as I scuffled tiredly out of my bedroom.

"In here!" He called back with obvious excitement in his voice. I smiled to myself at his easily excitable self as I made my way into the kitchen and the sweet smell of burnt meat.

"What you doin'?" I asked, smirking as I made my way over to the angel to stand next to him and inspect what he was cooking.

"I don't think I did it right. It does not look like how it normally does when you make it." Cas admitted, looking up at me with an embarrassed gaze.

I chuckled softly, the lighthearted laugh only the angel could get out of me. "It's just a little well done." I reassured, stepping in closer to where my chest touched his warm shoulder. I reached over him to grab the half gone package of bacon to start a new batch, my elbow brushing against his torso. "Put those on a plate and I'll start some more, Sam will want some." I gave him a small smile which he returned after a moment. With flushed cheeks, the dark-haired man proceeded to put the blackened strips on a plate while I started frying up some more.

Cas gingerly lifted himself onto the counter like I had done so many times before when he was finished, watching me as I cooked, the angel wearing my sweatpants and Led Zeppelin t-shirt he had borrowed.

"You're very good at that." He noted, tilting his head slightly in awe at my mediocre cooking skills.

I scoffed, feeling my own cheeks warm as I finished off the pieces, turning off the stove. Cas hopped down from his perch, dirty white socks hitting the floor heavily as he landed rather ungracefully.

I watched as Castiel made his way around the relatively small space, pulling out a jug of orange juice from the fridge. I tore my gaze away from him long enough to start the task of making the coffee.

"Something smells good." Sam noted as he strolled into the kitchen, his hair sticking up every which way.

Cas beamed, his smile reaching his deep blue eyes as he set the two plates of bacon on the table along with the OJ. "Dean and I made bacon." He said with a sense of pride. "Guess who's is who's!" He challenged, daring Sam to speculate who made what.

My brother laughed, giving me a knowing look as he eyed the two plates in front of him filled with two very different looking piles of meat as he sat down. "I'm gonna go with the burnt one is Dean's." Sam lied, obviously aware that I would never mess up anything in the protein family that badly.

Cas giggled, yes giggled, plopping down in the seat across from Sam. "Unfortunately, that one is mine." The angel relented, shooting me a bashful smile.

I adjusted my position against the counter, wishing Cas wouldn't look at me like that in front of Sam. It took all my will not to go over there…

I made my way over to the table, scooting in next to Cas close enough to where are thighs were touching. We all chewed in silence for awhile, not minding the breakfast made of only bacon as we chomped away hungrily.

I remember this morning so clearly it was like it was yesterday instead of three years ago, exactly six months after I had realized just how much Cas meant to me.

It had always been there of course, the deep seated longing I felt for the trench coated man. But one day everything changed, not to sound overly dramatic.

I still remember vividly how the Mark of Cain had made me feel. What it did to make me crave the feeling of slicing open some poor bastards throat. I remember wishing Sam or Cas could pull me back to who I really was but neither of them could. Maybe because that _was _who I really was, who I really _am._

I caught them by surprise. It was a month after they had supposedly 'cured' me of my demonic natures, although I still had the Mark fueling my homicidal cravings.

That was the problem. The Mark doesn't like to let go.

It was like a switch was flipped, all it took was one thing to set me off and everybody was fucked.

We were out on a routine hunt, a shifter I think, and somehow Sam and I had gotten separated. I yelled for him in the open room of the old factory, my anxiety levels rising when I heard no response.

After I few seconds of wandering around aimlessly, lost without my brother in the general area as me, I had come face to face with the damn thing, my pistol filled with silver bullets level with the monster's chest. I had asked where my brother, the shifter had lied and told me it had killed him and I stupidly believed it.

I overreacted, anger bubbling in my gut as I tucked my gun back in my waistband and pulled out a silver knife instead, the blade glinting in the small light in the room. I wanted this son of a bitch to suffer and I knew I wasn't going to do it with a bullet.

I don't think I was ever fully cured, as if there was always a tinge of what the Mark had turned me into permanently branded on my soul which just added to what was already there from my trip to Hell all those years ago. Maybe my demonic side had just been dormant for the past month, finally breaking lose in this one moment.

So as I stood there, twirling the sharp blade in my rough hands, watching the monster with a feral gaze, I felt something snap within me; the Mark taking back its hold over me.

I don't even remember advancing towards the shape shifter but somehow the monster ended up on the floor, chest slashed open with blood gushing on the floor.

That's how Sam found me, Cas following shortly behind him. I never figured out why Castiel had been there, but I thank God every day that he had.

My brother stared at me with shock and grief as I straightened, my dark blue shirt stained with crimson.

Somehow Cas got his bearings first. He rushed over to me and gripped my shoulders hard, peering in to my now obsidian eyes.

"Listen to me Dean Winchester," He had started, his blue gaze piercing mine. "We will not go through this again."

But I didn't listen. I couldn't hear him over the blood pumping in my eyes. So instead I shoved him away with such anger and resentment it took the angel a couple seconds to comprehend it was me who had done it.

Sam mentally shook himself, stalking over to me with determination only to have me land a hard right hook to his jaw, sending his head into a piece of machinery and collapsing to the floor in an unconscious heap.

My cruel gaze rounded on Cas after I heard soft shuffling from his position on the floor where he must've landed after I had pushed him. I seized his trench coat collar, yanking him up with my left hand before my fist collided with his temple.

"Dean- this isn't you-" Castiel tried to reason with me, but I wouldn't, _couldn't_, stop.

I punched him again, this time the noise of bones snapping echoing throughout the room. Blood poured from the angel's now crooked nose, not having much time to collect his thoughts as I landed another blow to his cheek.

Scarlet was dripping from his split lip as I paused, a mask of disinterest plastered on my face. The angel put a defensive hand up, trying to reach me.

"Dean, don't do this. This isn't you." He breathed, locking eyes with me. "This isn't you." He repeated brokenly, longing for me to stop.

"Dean- We need you-" He added, pausing as he considered his next words carefully. His voice was barely above a whisper as he spoke. "I need you." He admitted, tears shining in his eyes.

Just like that. Three little words and I could feel the darkness from my eyes receding, the iron grip of my fist relaxing. The angel looked relieved as I slowly lowered my arm, releasing his coat as I stood up straight.

Finally able to have a chance to breath, Cas concentrated on healing his wounds, causing me to have to look away as a blinding light shined from his hand as he touched his own forehead.

The angel stood up slowly, eyeing me warily.

"I'm sorry." I managed to get out, knowing it was a piss-poor excuse of an apology.

"What broke the connection?" Cas questioned, not even responding to what I had said.

I looked at the dark-haired man in front of me and knew exactly what had broken it. But I couldn't make myself tell him. So instead, I lied. "I don't- I don't know."

Things changed after that. I had finally admitted to myself just what Cas had meant to me. I admitted I wanted this weird, dorky guy in my life forever.

But I wouldn't tell him until six months after that, and let me be the first to say, that's one helluva story.

….

**TBC?**

**I'm planning on this being a multi-chapter fic (if I get support from you guys) and seeming as though if you guys have read this far you probably want to know how Cas dies, how Dean gets rid of the Mark, how Cas got his grace back, and much more. Please favorite, follow, and review to let me know if you guys want more! Thanks for reading!**

**For those of you who happen to be reading my other story/stories, I am not forgetting about them. I just got this idea in my head and had to write it down and post it. Don't worry!**


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